Excuses
by x-HotMess
Summary: I hate who both of you have become because of each other.


How stupid do you think I am, really?

I can see the way you look at her.

I've tried to explain that she's head over heels in love already,

with somebody else that isn't you.

But you persist, even though you have a perfectly good girl right in front of you.

You can trust me, because I would never lie about something like love,

like she does.

She loves the attention you lavish on her every whim and desire,

she loves the way you openly declare your feelings,

but she doesn't love you.

She thinks she loves your best friend,

who just so happens to be my ex-boyfriend.

Did you know she didn't even ask if it was okay with me if she dated him?

I would have said yes.

I was over him, but she didn't know that. She just assumed. She didn't care about my feelings at all.

I think that's what stung the most.

And now she has you wrapped around her little finger. I want her to stop playing you. I want to tell you what she's doing.

But I can't say anything because she's my best friend.

Sometimes I want to scream at you. Who are do you think you're fooling? The two of you are never going to work!

But you don't give up. You keep hinting how much you want me to help you win her heart.

I'm not sure if you realise my heart is the one that's already crossed the finish line.

***

But soon she gets bored with him (My ex-boyfriend. Your best friend). And you succeed.

You steal her from right under his nose.

And somehow he thinks it's my fault. I don't know what she tells him, but it is a lie.

I _want_ her to stay with him, so I can have you.

I bet she told you she broke up with him before she spends the night with you. That's another one of her lies.

The next day I ask him if he is okay with her dumping him. He asks me what the fuck I am talking about.

She doesn't break up with him properly until two weeks later.

And you either don't realise or choose to ignore it.

After all, she's yours now, not his.

You shut him out like you are starting to shut me out. I am the eternal third wheel;

always invited but never included.

I have to reassure myself that you will come to your senses soon. You'll see through her thin lies and fickle promises.

Because a guy as great as you doesn't belong with a girl as fake as her.

But you outlast the odds. The weeks turn into months. You're publicly declaring your love to whoever will listen.

It makes me feel sick. By this time, I'm not even sure I know you,

or her,

anymore.

You wear rose-tinted glasses that transform her from an obnoxious, self-righteous duckling into a delicate and charming swan.

All the while I am still in my shell, trying to find a way to break out and show you that I can be so much better for you than her.

***

I am _this close_ to waving my white flag,

when you tell me that I shouldn't wait for you.

I'm confused.

How did you notice, let alone know of my intentions? I'd been so careful not to do anything that would threaten our friendship.

You tell me to stop asking her when she's going to break up with you,

(those words have never passed my lips),

stop hassling her about how I think I know more about you than her,

(those thoughts have never crossed my mind),

and don't expect you to date me even if your relationship does end,

(who are you to tell me what I can and can't hope for?)

I am speechless. What am I supposed to say to that?

I can only reassure you that I have no idea what you are talking about.

She lied to you.

Again.

Somehow she felt threatened by me, and invented some story to make you remember just how lucky you are to have her,

and what a mistake it would be to think for a second I could ever compare to her.

My pride burns in fury and now I'm determined to make you mine, eventually.

After all, you're worth it. And seeing you happy makes me happy.

I just know that you would be even happier with me.

***

Over time, you realise what she's capable of. You see her darkest flaws firsthand.

You have an excuse for every one of them.

I find myself drowning in a dark pool of sedition and deceit,

and something is dragging me in deeper and deeper until I'm just bubbles on the surface.

An imprint of the girl I used to be.

Waiting.

***

Every relationship has a breaking point. That moment that says now or never.

Sink or swim. Fight or flee.

The day when she turns up on my doorstep in the pouring rain, crying her eyes out? That is the breaking point for you both.

How could you have been so careless?

I know, I know, it was an accident. The condom broke.

It still churns my stomach to think of the image of her standing there, soaking wet, clutching her stomach.

Not just because she didn't keep the baby,

but because I am the first person she turns to, and I didn't think I was that important to her anymore.

She doesn't even tell her own mother. You pay for it out of your college fund.

I sit in the background, as usual, watching you both self-destruct each other,

wondering how the fuck it ever came to this.

I hate who both of you have become because of each other.

It's like driving past a car accident. You want to look away, but can't.

You want to help somehow, but know that ultimately you're useless.

I desperately need an excuse to break free.

Please, God, help me disassociate from this hurricane of a relationship that devastates everything that stands in its path.

Give me anything.

***

Anything comes in the form of your other best friend.

Not the one you stole her from.

The one who sneaks glances at me over the top of his beer bottle at a house party one night.

I don't know if I do it to spite you, and her,

or to spite myself.

But I drink and drink until I can't feel anything, and let him fuck me in the bathroom

(with the door open slightly).

Maybe I was hoping you'd be jealous. Or protective. Or angry.

All you do is laugh derisively when you catch us.

And you want to know the icing on the cake? The one thing that helps me sever all ties and never look back?

She takes a picture of me and him in that cold, emotionless bathroom,

and tries to hold it over my head, threatening to send it to everyone.

Everyone that she hasn't texted the gossip to already.

Can you believe that? After everything I've done for her.

I stroked her hair while she cried herself to sleep,

took her to hospital after complications with her abortion,

kept all her dirty little secrets;

after all that, my own best friend tries to fucking blackmail me.

That is the last straw.

***

It isn't easy, getting away from you both. It's hard ignoring all the alluring invitations and conversations.

But coincidentally, I'm not the only victim of her backstabbing and treachery.

I connect with others who've experienced humiliation and confusion at the hands of her lies. Others who you have made excuses to.

And you can only defend her from us for so long.

And so you give up, and ignore it. You stop talking to anyone who knows the truth.

About you.

About her.

About how you only exist together for the convenience of companionship, in a bond of mutual self-loathing.

You're fucking lucky I have no intention of exposing everything you've strived to hide.

I'm not like that. I'm not like her.

And just like that, we're done.

We have no communication, no explanations, no association whatsoever.

But sometimes I walk past you in the street, and I'm not sure what to do.

I usually smile politely at you, but you never notice because you're purposefully staring at the ground, avoiding my gaze.

Coward.

You were never worth it.

And I just saw her making out with a guy in a red car who was definitely not you.

Make an excuse for that.

_This is awful, but I needed to vent.  
__Characters are subjective. You choose who.  
__**Reviews**__ would bring light to my gloriously shithouse day. _


End file.
